In the beginning of the week Mau passed away, I had decided that enough is enough! I had decided I had been in this depression for too long. It had taken a toll on too many people let alone myself in being the dysfunctional hysterical being I had become. I was never ashamed of my hysteria my earlier posts prove. But I was tired of it nonetheless!
So one Sunday Guni my partner and I had a huge fight after she left the house for her parents place and I stayed on horizontal in front of my television forever. And somewhere decided this is it. That was the last day I was going to sulk. I woke up Monday morning feeling brand new in my head.
That Wednesday Mau died. It disheartened me. I felt my fate doesn't respect my resolve but Guni assured me that it's just that your fate wants all the bad things to get done with in one go. I guess that's true. I mourned for Mau two days and in spurts.
I feel back to myself now...the self I was a year or so ago...invincible!
It rained today. That's why there are two consecutive entries in this blog today. Its been raining often but today? it poured. The children in the school that I see from my window went beserk running for shelter into the 3 single storeyed complexes of the school. Some clung to the wall. Some delibrately fell into the slush, some got pushed into it.
One little paper boat floated about till it got stuck and soaked in the rain. 15 - 30 mins and everything looked bright and fresh. Trees look greener and flowers look brighter.
Things are changing. I'm letting them. I like it this way. My way!
Monday, August 4, 2008
For Mau
I remember promising this blog that I shall update it everyday if possible. Haven't kept that promise ofcourse.
So much has happened meanwhile.
Mau had come into my life sometime in the last week of January or first week of February 2008. I had never kept a pet before that. Always wanted one though and in the last few years was sure I wanted a cat. A female black cat. Also had decided then that I will name her Mau.
When I picked Mau, it was howling on a dark street where the street lights had gone off that particular day. It kept screaming and I flashed my cell phone light. Mau came running to me because of the chill and it was also quite afraid of the cars and scooters that zipped by. As I'd said before I'd never had pets so wasn't sure how to pick up the kitten. Po was waiting for me at the CCD with Noosh. Called them and like Ar puts it, Po the cat rescuer flew down and swooped the kitten away.
Mau was not a black cat. Golden was its colour with brown stripes.
Mau was also not female. I was much disappointed to find out that Mau was a male cat. Not that any such stopped me from loving him the way I did! :)
He must've been about 2 months old when I picked him up. He barely completed a year. On July 16th 2008 Mau died in Friendicoes, Jungpura. He died of food poisoning, ironically he was poisoned by fish...Mau devoured fish for the first and last time. He realised too late what was happening to him, we realised too late his pain and the doctor there came in too late to resuscitate him. He suffered a lot before he died but not too long thankfully!
The grief was immense for me. I'd never had anyone that close to me die. I'd never really seen anyone ever die. I'd almost never seen a dead body at all.
What's more morbid is I always believed that when someone close to me will die, that will prepare me in life to become a mother. I just didn't think that Mau would have to die for that. He was just not part of that scheme! HE was my baby.
So much has happened meanwhile.
Mau had come into my life sometime in the last week of January or first week of February 2008. I had never kept a pet before that. Always wanted one though and in the last few years was sure I wanted a cat. A female black cat. Also had decided then that I will name her Mau.
When I picked Mau, it was howling on a dark street where the street lights had gone off that particular day. It kept screaming and I flashed my cell phone light. Mau came running to me because of the chill and it was also quite afraid of the cars and scooters that zipped by. As I'd said before I'd never had pets so wasn't sure how to pick up the kitten. Po was waiting for me at the CCD with Noosh. Called them and like Ar puts it, Po the cat rescuer flew down and swooped the kitten away.
Mau was not a black cat. Golden was its colour with brown stripes.
Mau was also not female. I was much disappointed to find out that Mau was a male cat. Not that any such stopped me from loving him the way I did! :)
He must've been about 2 months old when I picked him up. He barely completed a year. On July 16th 2008 Mau died in Friendicoes, Jungpura. He died of food poisoning, ironically he was poisoned by fish...Mau devoured fish for the first and last time. He realised too late what was happening to him, we realised too late his pain and the doctor there came in too late to resuscitate him. He suffered a lot before he died but not too long thankfully!
The grief was immense for me. I'd never had anyone that close to me die. I'd never really seen anyone ever die. I'd almost never seen a dead body at all.
What's more morbid is I always believed that when someone close to me will die, that will prepare me in life to become a mother. I just didn't think that Mau would have to die for that. He was just not part of that scheme! HE was my baby.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Hang Over
Ok so much brooding has been done on this blog. Much attention gained from my blog being my status message. Bad bad girl! Spank spank!
SO the morning started with hurting eyes and sullen face and now at least theres a twinkle of smile on my face. All's well for now.
I've decided that one shall try and update this blog as often as possible. With broodings and dreams as below as well as happy times. Erring and erring time after time, I shall keep floating in this pond. For of course I have no roots in here. I just float...
My fortune on Orkut today says: You and your partner will have a good life together.
My partner says: How can I deny fortune.
From here on she will be referred to as umm...can't think of a name. But will write about it when I think of a pen name for her...a name I shall use while penning down my thoughts for her, about her.
In this queer queer world, you can't out others without causing them trouble...vultures sit on every tower of silence ready to swoop down on one's personal life...and scavenge on the remains of it! For everyone one of our relationships are vaulted in the towers of silence, for we love the love that no one shall speak off.
Rambling about the law and society I hear my friend in morning today, she thinks its an act she puts on...a perfect one at it...we have fought we shall keep fighting. I don't think it's as simple as playact...I think its the lives we've lived for soooo long that there's not really a line between the truth, the life, the act, the speechings and the preachings!
SO the morning started with hurting eyes and sullen face and now at least theres a twinkle of smile on my face. All's well for now.
I've decided that one shall try and update this blog as often as possible. With broodings and dreams as below as well as happy times. Erring and erring time after time, I shall keep floating in this pond. For of course I have no roots in here. I just float...
My fortune on Orkut today says: You and your partner will have a good life together.
My partner says: How can I deny fortune.
From here on she will be referred to as umm...can't think of a name. But will write about it when I think of a pen name for her...a name I shall use while penning down my thoughts for her, about her.
In this queer queer world, you can't out others without causing them trouble...vultures sit on every tower of silence ready to swoop down on one's personal life...and scavenge on the remains of it! For everyone one of our relationships are vaulted in the towers of silence, for we love the love that no one shall speak off.
Rambling about the law and society I hear my friend in morning today, she thinks its an act she puts on...a perfect one at it...we have fought we shall keep fighting. I don't think it's as simple as playact...I think its the lives we've lived for soooo long that there's not really a line between the truth, the life, the act, the speechings and the preachings!
Cliche: Mehfil mein bhi tanhaai!
My eyes hurt. I've cried too much today. Not the usual but not very unusual either.
I seem to suffer a communication gap with my loved ones...atleast the ones I love. I don't demand much of their time or energy except when I need them most...I don't wish to pile onto anyone...and besides when I'm upset if they wish to be with me then they can call too right? Have I ever said no to that?
I don't know what it is. But there are several people I love and would do anything for the moment they seem to need anything at all. But I lack friends!
Is this how our lives become? Having people we can call upon in trouble but not really to just plain simple chill out with or hangout with if one doesn't want be alone. How come coming back home has made me more lonelier than I have ever been?
I seem to suffer a communication gap with my loved ones...atleast the ones I love. I don't demand much of their time or energy except when I need them most...I don't wish to pile onto anyone...and besides when I'm upset if they wish to be with me then they can call too right? Have I ever said no to that?
I don't know what it is. But there are several people I love and would do anything for the moment they seem to need anything at all. But I lack friends!
Is this how our lives become? Having people we can call upon in trouble but not really to just plain simple chill out with or hangout with if one doesn't want be alone. How come coming back home has made me more lonelier than I have ever been?
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Be'longing'!
It's one of those days! I mean the kind of days when you wake up feeling alone. I'm sitting in my office trying to work...but my mind as usual wanders. I don't seem to be capable of concentrating on anything nowadays. My mind's become too flitty!
I've been in Delhi for over a year now. But I keep getting the feeling I don't belong. Not here in Delhi? But actually anywhere! I don't belong to any root, stem or tree trunk. I wish to be wandering like a dandelion blown in the wind...but then I become the part that's stuck to the stem. But do I flower then...perhaps not!
A friend is in town. I was excited about her being here till she called 12 hours after she reached here. I'm not priority I guess. I need to check my priority list where mostly myself comes in the bottom of the never ending pit. When will I learn to live for myself I wonder.
If I had the choice...or rather if I utilised the opportunity I would be not here...not sure where but for sure not here.
Not in this seat, not in this house, not in this suburb, not in this city, and where not all!
Right now..I want to belong or be away!
I've been in Delhi for over a year now. But I keep getting the feeling I don't belong. Not here in Delhi? But actually anywhere! I don't belong to any root, stem or tree trunk. I wish to be wandering like a dandelion blown in the wind...but then I become the part that's stuck to the stem. But do I flower then...perhaps not!
A friend is in town. I was excited about her being here till she called 12 hours after she reached here. I'm not priority I guess. I need to check my priority list where mostly myself comes in the bottom of the never ending pit. When will I learn to live for myself I wonder.
If I had the choice...or rather if I utilised the opportunity I would be not here...not sure where but for sure not here.
Not in this seat, not in this house, not in this suburb, not in this city, and where not all!
Right now..I want to belong or be away!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Singing Aloud
Driving down Jogiwara road, from McLeodganj to Dharamsala to catch my bus to Delhi, I tripped upon me!
I keep saying, I see myself as an old woman running a flower shop. That is what I want to do. My deepest aspirations are to sit at a flower shop, make gorgeous bouquets...preferably in a quaint little town somewhere in the hills if not beside the sea.
I also walk into Oogo's in McLeodganj or Bagel Shop in Bandra, Mumbai and say this is what my cafe would look like. A bright cafe, colourful, exuding life, smelling fresh brewing coffee, with breads and home made cakes and good eggs & sausages served throughout the day for the slightly more hungry. Lots of books lining the walls, music ambient but characteristic. People would come there to be there...to breathe the coffee and freshly baked!
Then I tell myself...my cafe can also have a flower shop beside it. I can tend to both. I can run the flower shop and once in a while chit-chat with my customers at the cafe...if they would like to that is.
But the main feature would be, I would sing. I would sing impromptu. In the middle of the day. no other music but I would sing. It would be live music literally.
Sitting in this car on a narrow road - now nursing a traffic jam - I turned around and looked at her sitting on one side. Eyes met but I doubt if she noticed me. Plump and gorgeous, her lips lined with lipstick to retain her lipline that must have faded with age. Dressed in black, hair let loose...she had the being of a diva. She got up, sighed and said to no one in particular but there was no near her except for me sitting in the cab, "There's a jam ahead, it won't move for a bit now".
I watched her climb the stairs of the little cafe on the other side of the narrow road. My partner and I watched the cafe and were falling in love with the divan outside it. The cafe was bright, orange. It had coloured glass bottles which looked like a bigger version of the ones you'd see perfumes in - thin necked and round bottomed with a round stopper on top - mauve, green, red, blue.
And then the diva sang. She sang aloud to no one. The cafe faced the hills on the other side. She sang to the hills. She walked stopped turned stopped turned again walked stopped and kept singing aloud. I...overwhelmed could not utter a word beyond till I reached Dharamsala and got off the cab.
While the traffic cleared and we finally made a move ahead, the cab driver said she owned the cafe. I saw me. I saw myself.
I will have a flower shop next to it and sing to the hills in an orange cafe with coloured bottles.
I keep saying, I see myself as an old woman running a flower shop. That is what I want to do. My deepest aspirations are to sit at a flower shop, make gorgeous bouquets...preferably in a quaint little town somewhere in the hills if not beside the sea.
I also walk into Oogo's in McLeodganj or Bagel Shop in Bandra, Mumbai and say this is what my cafe would look like. A bright cafe, colourful, exuding life, smelling fresh brewing coffee, with breads and home made cakes and good eggs & sausages served throughout the day for the slightly more hungry. Lots of books lining the walls, music ambient but characteristic. People would come there to be there...to breathe the coffee and freshly baked!
Then I tell myself...my cafe can also have a flower shop beside it. I can tend to both. I can run the flower shop and once in a while chit-chat with my customers at the cafe...if they would like to that is.
But the main feature would be, I would sing. I would sing impromptu. In the middle of the day. no other music but I would sing. It would be live music literally.
Sitting in this car on a narrow road - now nursing a traffic jam - I turned around and looked at her sitting on one side. Eyes met but I doubt if she noticed me. Plump and gorgeous, her lips lined with lipstick to retain her lipline that must have faded with age. Dressed in black, hair let loose...she had the being of a diva. She got up, sighed and said to no one in particular but there was no near her except for me sitting in the cab, "There's a jam ahead, it won't move for a bit now".
I watched her climb the stairs of the little cafe on the other side of the narrow road. My partner and I watched the cafe and were falling in love with the divan outside it. The cafe was bright, orange. It had coloured glass bottles which looked like a bigger version of the ones you'd see perfumes in - thin necked and round bottomed with a round stopper on top - mauve, green, red, blue.
And then the diva sang. She sang aloud to no one. The cafe faced the hills on the other side. She sang to the hills. She walked stopped turned stopped turned again walked stopped and kept singing aloud. I...overwhelmed could not utter a word beyond till I reached Dharamsala and got off the cab.
While the traffic cleared and we finally made a move ahead, the cab driver said she owned the cafe. I saw me. I saw myself.
I will have a flower shop next to it and sing to the hills in an orange cafe with coloured bottles.
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